viewtopic.php?f=145&t=15784&view=unread#unread

My main gripe is the real critique or lack of. Also when I asked for an explanation his reasonings seem to be with the length of my post and not the quality.

Brandon claims he was being generous and told me compared the piece to writing ten paragraphs and asking for an airport. I just want to see Goat's opinion on the piece. I am just looking for a legit critique from him and I am contesting the NPC request that was denied. I wrote about how he wants the guy who he thinks ordered the killing of his brother dead and how he knows that Thomas can do this but he doesn't have the money to pay him. It's kind of hard to work off a debt when the guy your supposed to be working for can't order you about except when it involves drug deals.

Lol. You still want Goat?

LOL yeah, I spoke with him and I am not really appealing it I just wanted to get a critique from him since Brandon didn't really give me one. Thats why I am in no rush because it doesn't technically interfere with my writing.

OK, just finished reading it.

To be honest, Fred, it wasn't badly written but there was just a few holes that Brandon was right in pointing out. The one that struck me most obviously was Curtis: this kid's meant to have been banging and slanging since he was barely into double digits, and not just on corners, but as a shot caller. This is a hardcore guy that would not just quit after something that was - really - a personal beef, between him and what was it? A girlfriend? I don't remember exactly, but that kind of heel face turn... well, it don't make sense.

And even more weirdly, why would Moore's MOTHER, of all people, introduce Curtis to him?! Why would she bring him round? How does she know him? Oh, yeah, student, right, and yet she brings this guy around because "he might be able to help him out", implying that she KNOWS Thomas's business is killing people. Unlikely, dude, and if it isn't, you should have made it more clear.

And if Curtis has that stature out on the streets, he wouldn't NEED Moore to do his dirty work for him. He could whistle up some muscle with one phonecall and handle his OWN business, not be Moore's bitch.

The coke deal was stretching it, too. This ain't the Eighties, dude, coke doesn't go for forty a kilo anymore, especially on the East Coast. You'd be looking at thirty at the VERY MOST, and only for an uncut kilo in the middle of a drought, not some stepped-on shit. Check out online for a rough price guide, there's a few pages out there that could help.

The car deal as well was pretty sketchy: one Yaris for an Audi and a motorcycle? Granted, you provided a precidence in the link, but the bike, too? Well, at least it's Curtis's, not yours.

Everything else... yeah, I suppose it's not that bad, but don't be too greedy, and always remain grounded in reality. Try and think from the perspectives of the NPCs, don't just make them completely subservient to your wishes and Requests. Oh, and one more thing? And MP-44 was the replacement for the MP-40 Schmeisser subgun the Germans used in WWII: why the fuck would it be used by a bunch of ghetto bangers sixty years later in America?

Just asking...

Yeah I meant MP-40 not 44 lol which was common in the US because of War Trophies the US Government allows soldiers to bring back. The idea is still in practice but they don't let you bring functional weapons back so they scrap out the insides but it's not hard to refit them with recievers and triggers etc. Thats why so many people from WW2 have Lugers because of War Trophies. I wasn't going to get into detail why a banger has an old WW2 Submachine gun. I figured it would be cheap to get one so it made sense a banger would have it.

Well clearly if you didn't understand Curtis wasn't a big shot in the bloods but actually worked for the Boss then I clearly made the mistake in explaining that properly. The reason Thomas's mom brought him around was in a previous RP on LCNA I explained how Thomas killed two kids that assaulted his mom from her school. She works in Newark as a Highschool teacher so alot of her kids are like Curtis. Drug Dealers, killers, nasty mother fuckers lacking a real education. Curtis maybe dumb but he isn't mongoloid, he knows he can't kill the Blood set leader himself. On top of that he needs someone that the Blood set leader won't recognize so that he can get closer to him. Again I am sure I didn't explain that properly.

The Coke deal, I don't agree but then again I am also no expert on drugs. I asked my friends brother who is a detective and that was the rough estimate he gave me. 30-35 a Kilo, and I don't know how else an unsophisticated Drug dealer is going to work out how pure Kilo is unless they have all the special reagent tests and shit. So technically he wouldn't know how pure the Kilo was, I also explained how it was dry right now in the area so that also explains more.

As for the Car deal, eh I didn't see anything wrong with it. I traded in a brand new Yaris with nearly no mileage on it for 12,000 USD towards the purchase of a preowned 2002 Audi S4 and a Motorcycle. I then paid the difference of 6,000 Dollars which for a used car dealership is nothing short of a great week. If you think about it the AUDI is realistically worth much less than that because Police auctions sell cars for as low as 7 grand and then the dealership who buys it sells it for double.

So he made out with a shit load of money. On top of that he got a brand new car which he can jack up the price on to sell. He also sold the bike to me for over two grand more so technically he made out like a bandit.

Anyways thanks I appreciate the detailed critique, my main ask for it was because I really didn't get one from Brandon when I asked for it. I was also hoping you could of touched on the transitioning between times and places when you have time. On another note I didn't want brandon to think I was shitting on his grade, I just wanted a more detailed critique and Goat usually has the easiest for me to understand.